SingleLife: The Importance of Relationship

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The Set Up

A couple weeks ago a good friend told me that she wanted to hear what I had to say, not just links to other people’s writing and or thoughts. She was right, I have not been sharing as much as I ought, or as often as I might like. So I am trying to fix this.

What does that have to do with relationships?

Everything. If I don’t foster and maintain relationships with other people, single or not, I am not heading in a healthy direction. Me guided solely by me is a frightening thought, and I have been there, done that, and never want to again.

Because we have a solid foundation of friendship as the basis of our relationship, my friend is comfortable enough to call my bluff. And I am comfortable enough to swallow my pride and listen to what she has to say. Not just because she is right, but because our relationship matters to me. It makes me better, and, I trust, makes her better as well.

Friendship and Relationship

I don’t have any ground-breaking elucidation to share about the difference between friendship and relationship except to say that the terms do convey different things. Often relationship implies something more intimate while friendship implies something more platonic, and intimate does not necessarily mean romantic.

Before David was King of Israel, he was a soldier and servant of King Saul. Saul had a son, Jonathan, who we are told loved David as himself:

After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt. 1 Samuel 18:1-4

When David hears of Jonathan’s death, he writes a lament, saying:

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women. (2 Samuel 1:26)

Love is part of relationship, and should be differentiated from our modern romanticized concept of love (a very limited concept, at that).

David’s lament tells us two things:
1. Love is bigger than romance, sex and marriage
2. A relationship grounded in Love is more fulfilling than any other, romantic or not

David and Jonathan did not love each other romantically – that theory is simply juvenile when you take context into account and understand the character of each man. The beautiful part of this story is that it portrays the power of healthy intimacy in friendship and relationship, and eschews the concept that intimacy is not macho. Both David and Jonathan were fierce warriors, undaunted by fear, confident in their faith in God.

Maybe their relationship was a model for the relationship God wants to have with us.

SingleLife: One Worth Living

singleLife-OneWorthLiving-20Many people struggle with the idea of being single – running constantly into a barrage of inane commentary and advice such as:

        • it’s just a phase you’re going through
        • you just haven’t found the right one yet
        • God has someone for you, just be patient
        • you must not be trying hard enough
        • you’re just too picky

All of the above is crap – for the most part.  The state of being single is not purgatory, it’s not simply a way-station of suffering you must endure as an incomplete person before finally finding that someone who will make you whole (think Jerry McGuire’s defining moment when he says, “You complete me”).

You are a Whole Person

You are a whole person just as you are.  Yes, God said it was not good for Adam (man) to be alone, and created Eve and established marriage as two joining together and becoming one.  Two become one.  1+1=1.  Not 1/2 + 1/2 = 1.  It was two single whole individuals joining together to become a new combined whole.

If we continue with the math analogy, two wholes must give up something in order to become a new whole.  As we all know in math, 1+1=2, so in order for 1+1 to equal 1, something must be subtracted from each.  I’ll simply state this as what we all accept as putting the other’s needs before our own, such as:

  • finances are no longer separate but combined
  • decisions on how to spend your time are no longer autonomous
  • you may have to do things you don’t like, simply because your spouse needs you to do them

So, in mathematical terms, married people are theoretically less whole than single people.

One Worth Living

There is so much we can do and achieve as single people that we cannot do within a marriage relationship.  I just watched the Ashton Kutcher film Jobs (about Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computers) the other night, and was struck by the harshness with which Jobs rejects his girlfriend when she tells him she is pregnant early on in the growth of Apple Computers (he basically throws her out of the house).  While not condoning his actions or the choice he made, I believe he understood fundamentally that Apple Computers would never be what he envisioned it could be if he had to attend to the matters of being married.

In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, the apostle Paul describes the difference between the focus of the unmarried versus married.  Take a look (I have take the liberty to divide the passage into bullets for easier dissemination):

  • I want you to be free from anxieties.
  • The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.
  • But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.
  • And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.
  • But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
  • I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

 

Paul is not against marriage, but is concerned about things that create worldly anxiety in us and wants us to be free of them.    A married man must concern himself with how to please his wife, and thus his interests are forever divided between what pleases his wife and what pleases God, himself, his company, etc.  The same goes for the married woman.

The key here, is that Paul wishes us to remain single as he is (1 Corinthians 7:7) in order that we can secure our undivided devotion to the Lord.  Thus, choosing to live the SingleLife is a high calling, not a punishment!

The SingleLife is One Worth Living simply because it allows us the best opportunity to secure our undivided devotion to God.  So focus less on why you are single and more on devoting your life to God.  I guarantee it will be worth it.

Single Life: A Blessing (not a curse!)

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SingleLife (TM)

I am currently writing a book on living single and the unique blessings that come to us through living the single life and that come through us to others through the way we approach and live out the single life.

As a visually-oriented person who has always been fascinated by typography and text based logos, I was playing around with different thoughts, words, phrases and fonts related to this theme of singleness, and I eventually stumbled upon the image you see here.  I am hoping that this, or some improved version, might become a badge of honor at some point for those of us who choose to boldly embrace the single life.

To describe in summary what I believe are the blessings of the single life, I have chosen to lay them out in the vein of one of my favorite movies, Fight Club, as the Rules of SingleLife:

  1. SingleLife is not LonelyLife
  2. SingleLife is about intentional community
  3. SingleLife is freedom to pursue deeper relationship with God
  4. SingleLife is freedom to take action in pursuit of justice
  5. SingleLife is accepting a unique call to do “Awesome”

Of course, there are no real rules to the single life, but I hope these serve as a guideline for starting to live a SingleLife with purpose and meaning.  These “rules” will hopefully be improved upon over time and I intend to talk about each more specifically over time (and in much more detail in the book).

There is no curse in being single – your family is wherever and with whomever you create community.  My hope is that your community not only includes other people but also a deep relationship with God that gives hope, freedom and a passion for justice.

Please leave feedback on any of this – whether you have additional “rules” to add, you love/hate the badge image, you think I’m just another crazy single person trying to compensate for [fill in the blank], etc.   I love being single, and am constantly striving to live the SingleLife the way the apostle Paul advocated (I said “striving to” – I am nowhere near there yet) in his letter to the Corinthians:

I wish that all were as I myself am.  But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.
(1 Corinthians 7:7-8)

Join me on this journey of living the SingleLife with purpose!

 

High Cost of Being Single – Mint.com Infographics

Mint.com published the following two infographics earlier this year on the high cost of being a single man or single woman:

The High Cost of Being A Single Lady

The High Cost of Being a Single Man