How Do YOU Define Wealth?

As we have seen over the past few months, wealth can be defined in many ways.  Unfortunately, if we are not consciously grappling with what wealth means for ourselves, most of us take the path of least resistance and define wealth on the basis of how much money someone has.

  • A billionaire is wealthy.
  • A trust fund kid’s parents are wealthy.
  • Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are wealthy.
  • Our neighbor with the shiny new BMW must be wealthy.

And we are generally correct from the standpoint of money or assets. Except when we are fooled by appearances.

People can look wealthy and actually be quite poor (the BMW is leased and the payments are so high that he or she is living in an apartment with no furniture and eating rice and beans or tuna from a can), while others may appear to be poor or just average, and actually be quite wealthy (your neighbor who owns a landscape company and always buys used cars and lives in a modest but nice home might be sitting on a nest egg that would blow your mind).

Most of us want to be wealthy, which is not a bad thing to want, but we tend to focus only on the financial aspect, so much so that we often try to “fake it ’til we make it,” or sacrifice other areas of wealth in the pursuit of this one.

How else can we define wealth?

Would you consider the Dali Lama to be wealthy? In a spiritual sense I would think him extraordinarily wealthy. He is also much happier than many who are financially wealthy.  Our spiritual wealth is just as important as our financial wealth.

What about relationships? Strong bonds between friends and partners are worth more than gold, and as Proverbs says, the right spouse or partner is more valuable than rubies.  Like financial wealth, relationships take work and are built over time.  They can also be lost in an instant when we make poor choices.  Sadly we tend to discount the true wealth of our relationships as we pursue the incomplete image we have of wealth.

Are you taking care of yourself, your body?  Are you making healthy choices for yourself regardless of your actual state of health?  Someone fighting to survive a long term health issue might see someone who is poor but in great health, as wealthy, or they might actually consider themselves more wealthy because of the challenges they have had to overcome.  It may come down to a matter of perspective – what is yours?

Discover your Definition of Wealth

What is your definition of wealth for your life?  Is it out of balance? Are you pursuing financial wealth at the cost of your relationships, spirituality, or health?  How do you know?

The first thing to do is to face it head on and ask yourself what wealth means to you.  What wealth looks like in your mind, what wealth feels like in your heart.

You can do this on your own, but if you have a spouse or partner, I highly recommend you also do it together – you might be surprised how different your ideas of wealth are.  The trick is then to define what wealth means to you as a couple or partnership.

It is also helpful to have someone prompting you with questions and providing feedback to really get at the heart of your definition.  A coach perhaps.  Contact me below if you are interested in discovering your definition of wealth.

How We Prosper and Thrive

“We” do not exist as isolated individuals. We, as individuals, are inhabitants of networks; we are relationships. That is how we prosper and thrive.

-David Byrne, Eliminating the Human

Community Connectedness and Social Capital

“Community connectedness is not just about warm fuzzy tales of civic triumph.  In measurable and well-documented ways, social capital makes an enormous difference in our lives…Social capital makes us smarter, healthier, safer, richer, and better able to govern a just and stable democracy.”

– Robert D. Putnam

Wealth, Relationships and Community

Wealth is difficult to achieve on any level apart from healthy relationships.  Likewise community is difficult to achieve apart from healthy relationships.  Thus, it might be posited that real wealth can only be achieved in the context of real community.

What do I mean by that?   Let’s take a look at relationships and community first, then wrap up with how real wealth is found within the context of healthy community.

Relationships

Relationships for our purposes here are defined as close, personal, individual connections.

Each of us, hopefully, have several of these kinds of connections  – with our family members, our friends, our teammates, teachers, mentors, coworkers, etc.  (You are probably starting to see how relationships lead to community – but we’ll discuss that more in a moment).

In these relationships, some closer than others, transactions are always occurring.  Maybe you’ve never thought about it that way.  Some even call it social capital.

When we interact with each other we are giving and taking.  Sometimes it is tangible, like a sales transaction, but much of the time it is intangible, like trust, love, commitment, security, and on and on.

If I do something that violates trust in a relationship, like gossiping about something shared in confidence, I have taken trust away from the relationship and will need to take action to repair or repay that trust if I want to restore the relationship.  I might do this through a sincere apology, and if I had enough trust built up in the relationship (social capital), that is all it might take to restore it.  If the relationship was just starting, the apology, even if accepted, may not be enough to keep the relationship from ending.

We must be careful in how we handle our relationships.  Unfortunately, our societal obsession with credit and borrowing has infiltrated our relationships, causing us to take, take, take and seldom give.  Constant taking in relationships leaves us devoid of relationship in the end, and makes it nearly impossible for us to be part of a community.

If we learn to give in our relationships, we find that we receive back what we need without having to take at all.  When enough of us do this well in our relationships, communities are created.

Now let’s take a closer look at community.

Community

Like relationships above, communities operate on social capital.  When one community violates the trust of another community, mistrust and division arise.  Not only between communities but within them as well.

Communities can be based on many different types of relationships: geographical, social, religious, political, and even things like sports teams, causes, and crime.

Some communities, like geographical ones, are made up of smaller communities that are made up of relationships between individuals. These smaller communities transact with others within the larger community, and may even fight or dislike each other, but when dealing with another larger community from a different geographic area, they tend to put aside differences and put on the unified face of the larger community.

For example, Boston and New York City are rivals in many ways – each thinks it’s city is nicer, it’s sports teams are better, and even make and sell merchandise that say things like Yankees Suck.  While these rivalries may sometimes get a bit out of hand, they also tend to serve as a way to glue each community together.

But rivalries are set aside in a moment when a larger threat appears, like the attacks on 9/11.  Rescue workers from Boston mobilized without hesitation to go to the aid of their brothers and sisters in New York, temporarily setting aside rivalries, and acting as part of a larger community as even more rescue workers and support poured in from across the country, and even the globe.

Those rivalries still exist today, but they have been forever altered by these events, solidifying the bonds of the larger community, which creates a safe place for healthy rivalries to exist.

Unfortunately communities can also tear apart and destroy, both the relationships that make them up, and the bonds of larger communities they are a part of.

Think of the violence erupting during recent protests across our nation.  Geographical communities suffer collateral damage when outside communities show up to wage war in their streets.  These outside communities even manage to divide the host geographical community when it ought to be bonding together to protect itself from harm.

The thought that there are individuals within or outside these communities who use relationships to agitate these communities to violence against each other is reprehensible, and left unchecked will rob our nation blind of the wealth of community we have worked so long to build.

Wealth

There is a simple truth in the saying, “a house divided against itself cannot stand.”  From relationships to communities, division within will eventually lead to destruction.

Marriage offers a good example of how relationships interact with wealth, both positively and negatively.  Proverbs 31 paints a picture of a prosperous relationship, and while written from the perspective of a husband and his wife, it can easily be read from any relationship perspective, including business partners:

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value. (vs. 10-11)

This relationship is built on trust  – did you see it?  “Has full confidence…and lacks nothing of value.”  A relationship like this will last through thick and thin, and will ultimately achieve the wealthy they seek, however they might define it for themselves.  It is a good indication that they will achieve at least some level of financial wealth as well.

On the other hand, without this trust, marriages and partnerships soon fall apart.  Two of the leading causes for divorce in the United States are lack of communication and fights over money.

Lack of communication robs a relationship of trust, and eventually leads to money fights and other problems.  Remember the house divided?  Without good communication a relationship will become divided and eventually fall.  Without good communication a relationship cannot build wealth, as there is a lack of confidence in each other.

Likewise, when communities come together and communicate well,working together they will prosper and build wealth in multiple ways.  And when communities refuse to listen to each other and resort to violence, all suffer, and wealth begins to erode along with the bonds that hold us together.

Conclusion

Choose to invest in relationships and in community, and wealth will seek you out;  choose to invest in wealth alone, and you will find yourself at last, alone.

No One is a Financial Island

blog-image-financial-islandSome people just have all the luck and skill and become rich all by themselves.  Feels that way sometimes, right?  Well, there’s nothing further from the truth.

No one becomes wealthy in a vacuum, by themselves, or on a deserted island.  Click to Tweet this!

Think about that image for a second.

An island.  By yourself.  Think Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

Just as no one has become wealthy completely on their own, none of us can become financially secure on our own.   Whether formal advisory boards, like many wealthy people have, or more personal relationships with friends and family from whom we seek advice, we all need help from other people in our financial  struggles and successes.

The Good News  

You probably already have someone in your life who can or already does serve in this capacity.  They are the person who holds you accountable for your financial decisions.  They are the ones who call you out when you miss a utility payment because you just had to have the newest iPhone.

They are called an accountability partner.

The Bad News

You are going to experience some painful reality-slaps.  You must listen to what your accountability partner is telling you, and be honest with yourself about what they reveal.  If your accountability partner never makes you uncomfortable, never ruffles a few feathers, then they aren’t doing the job.

Married Couples

Guess who your accountability partner is.   It’s your spouse.  (I didn’t say they had to be perfect or financial whizzes).

One of the leading causes for divorce in the U.S. is disagreement over finances.  One of the other leading causes is lack of communication.

Guess what – regular (say monthly) financial discussions could not only save your marriage, but is likely to improve it overall.  Regular financial discussions are communication.  If lack of communication leads to divorce, then any increase in communication is likely to prevent it.

Never having been married, I don’t have much practical advice to offer on how to communicate better with your spouse, other than this:

If you want to have more communication, you need to make time for more communication.  Together. (Click to Tweet this!)

If you are having trouble communicating with your spouse in general, seek some help.  This could be simply spending time talking with a more experienced married couple or more formally meeting with a marriage counselor.

Singles

So, what do you do if you are single, meaning no spouse and not living with a significant other?  (For purposes of this discussion, your significant other would take the place of spouse in the married couples section above).

Who do you pick as an accountability partner?  Scratch that – how do you know who to pick?

Great questions.

How do I know who to pick?

The person you pick needs to have certain qualities.  Some essential qualities are listed here to help you get started, but feel free to add your own.

  • They are trustworthy
  • They have unquestionable integrity
  • They are comfortable saying “No”
  • They will never stop challenging you to try
  • They will encourage you even when you fail or experience set backs

Who do I pick?

Now that you know the qualities of the person you are looking for, it is time to make a list of all the people in your circle of friends and family.  It can be helpful if you use index cards, writing one name on each card (disclosure: this idea is borrowed from Jon Acuff’s latest book, “Do Over“).

Follow the steps below to process these names, and keep in mind that this is not a good vs. bad exercise, you are merely narrowing down the people whom you would trust the most with your finances (you do the same thing when you pick who you want to go with on vacation):

  • Write one name per card
  • Just write the name and move on to the next card
  • Take the pile and one by one place each into one of two piles, potential accountability partners and not
  • Be honest with yourself, and trust your first instinct
  • Take the potential pile and use the qualities list from the first exercise to check off the matching qualities (using a numbered list with check marks is fine)
  • Refine your pile by keeping only those with the highest number of matching qualities.
  • Which one would you most want to be your accountability partner?
  • Call them and ask them if they would consider this role in your life

 

Wrap Up

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22)
(Tweet this!)

Guess what?  None of us are limited to only one accountability partner.  Married couples can and should reach out to other couples and other good counsel to round out their “advisory board.”  Singles should look to friends, family, and even others in their stack of potential names and ask for advice.

The proverb quoted above states with many advisers we succeed, but left to our own devices our plans will certainly fail.

In order to succeed in our personal finances, we need the help of others.

Save more money, stop spending so much, get rid of debt, and build wealth

So, how do I save more money, stop spending so much, get rid of debt, and build wealth?

First, you have to work.  Hard.

You can’t go anywhere if you’re not in motion in the first place.

Second, you’re going to need some help

  • If you’re married or otherwise in a committed relationship, make a plan with your spouse/significant other and work together to see your plan through.  Doing this the right way might even improve your overall relationship!
  • If you’re single like me, find someone who is willing to work with you and be honest with you.  This person is often called an accountability partner.

 Third, you need to have a plan (often called a budget).

Think of it as a fence with a gate – keeping your sheep from straying away, but allowing them to come and go as you allow them to.

 Fourth, you’ve got to rev up the intensity.

Rocky didn’t win because he sat around wishing himself into shape – he trained.  And he trained hard.  Get yourself a theme song if that helps 🙂

Fifth, allow some room in your plan to have some fun and blow off some steam.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Allowing yourself a little fun will also remind you why you are doing this in the first place…so you can do more fun things later.

 Sixth, consider giving more as a goal to inspire you along the way.

Giving more can really change people’s lives in some really cool ways.  Guess what?  Giving more will definitely change your life in some really cool ways as well!

I’ll cover each of these in more detail in future posts, so stay tuned!

For more really great information right now on saving money, paying off debt, and building wealth check out Ramsey Solutions and if you are really serious, consider taking a Financial Peace University class near you.

The Fence and the Greener Grass

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Or so the saying goes.
But what happens when we actually get to the other side?  Most of the time, we discover that the only thing that has changed is the view, but many times we also discover that the way of return is blocked.  And the grass sure looks greener on the other side (if you’re still with me, that’s now the side we just came from).
Those in relationships, whether married, cohabitating, or long time couples, may consider the single life “greener” from time to time.
One of the ways being single seems greener is:
Not having to answer to someone when I come home every night.
But consider the view from the other side of the fence, the view of the single person:
I have no one to answer to when I come home every night.
Not looking so green now, is it?
The point is, before you actually jump the fence, try to imagine how the other side views your grass, and just maybe your grass will look a little greener.

Digging out

So I  realize I haven’t posted here in a while.

I’ve been buried by stuff I’m working on,  work I’m doing, making a living,  and literally the stuff that has taken over my living space.

I’ve also been buried under uncertainty, doubt and the mother of all gravediggers, fear.

But I’m digging out from under, slowly getting rid of the accumulated stuff in my condo, pushing past the fear, and quote honestly,  getting over my foolish self.

My goal is to post at least once a week (for now).  To share how I have simplified my life thus far, as well as share information on personal finance, useful apps for managing your personal and financial information, and how to do it on your own from the perspective of a single person.

See you all next post!

SingleLife: The Importance of Relationship

SingleLife Logo

The Set Up

A couple weeks ago a good friend told me that she wanted to hear what I had to say, not just links to other people’s writing and or thoughts. She was right, I have not been sharing as much as I ought, or as often as I might like. So I am trying to fix this.

What does that have to do with relationships?

Everything. If I don’t foster and maintain relationships with other people, single or not, I am not heading in a healthy direction. Me guided solely by me is a frightening thought, and I have been there, done that, and never want to again.

Because we have a solid foundation of friendship as the basis of our relationship, my friend is comfortable enough to call my bluff. And I am comfortable enough to swallow my pride and listen to what she has to say. Not just because she is right, but because our relationship matters to me. It makes me better, and, I trust, makes her better as well.

Friendship and Relationship

I don’t have any ground-breaking elucidation to share about the difference between friendship and relationship except to say that the terms do convey different things. Often relationship implies something more intimate while friendship implies something more platonic, and intimate does not necessarily mean romantic.

Before David was King of Israel, he was a soldier and servant of King Saul. Saul had a son, Jonathan, who we are told loved David as himself:

After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt. 1 Samuel 18:1-4

When David hears of Jonathan’s death, he writes a lament, saying:

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women. (2 Samuel 1:26)

Love is part of relationship, and should be differentiated from our modern romanticized concept of love (a very limited concept, at that).

David’s lament tells us two things:
1. Love is bigger than romance, sex and marriage
2. A relationship grounded in Love is more fulfilling than any other, romantic or not

David and Jonathan did not love each other romantically – that theory is simply juvenile when you take context into account and understand the character of each man. The beautiful part of this story is that it portrays the power of healthy intimacy in friendship and relationship, and eschews the concept that intimacy is not macho. Both David and Jonathan were fierce warriors, undaunted by fear, confident in their faith in God.

Maybe their relationship was a model for the relationship God wants to have with us.

SingleLife: Better than Sons and Daughters

SingleLife Logo While doing research for the book I am writing on living the single life, God revealed passages in Isaiah that I had never understood before.

For thus says the Lord:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast my covenant,
I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that shall not be cut off.”
Isaiah 56:4-5

Those of us who are single, whether by circumstance or choice, can pursue a rich spiritual life on this earth, spreading the gospel and sharing our faith in Christ with others, gaining for Christ and ourselves, the spiritual sons and daughters promised in Isaiah.

A few weeks ago I was overjoyed to discover a chapter of a book by one of my favorite authors, John Piper’s This Momentary Marriage: a Parable of Permanence was titled Single in Christ: A Name Better than Sons and Daughters. If Piper made this connection I knew I was on the right track.

Today in researching further on Piper’s website Desiring God I discovered a wonderful sermon on this very topic by John Piper himself. Please check out this sermon online here.