Category: Personal Development

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Some Thoughts on Forgiveness and Love

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If we believe we have nothing to be forgiven, then we have little reason or capacity to love anything.

If we know we need to be forgiven, but are too proud to ask for forgiveness, then we will be too ashamed of ourselves to truly love another.

If we know we need to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness, but cannot forgive ourselves, we do not love ourselves and cannot love another.

If we know we need to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness and with humility believe we are forgiven, then we can begin to love ourselves in earnest and love others in abundance.

“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.””??  Luke? ?7:47? ?ESV??

 

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Who wants more stuff? Not me.

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blog-image-2016-02-05

Cheech and Chong had something right in their classic comedy routine.

[Knock, knock]  “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Dave, let me in, I got the stuff.”

[pause]

“Dave’s not here.”

(very loosely paraphrased from memory)

 

I was always particularly fond of this routine because they use my name, Dave.  But when it comes to someone bringing stuff into my life (including me) I now often respond in similar fashion, “Dave’s not here.”

The reality is none of us own anything.

We buy, borrow, sometimes steal (shame on us), stuff that we may or may not use for a time, but in reality we never own it.

If you were to die today, what would you take with you?

Nothing.

Because it was never yours to take.  It was only yours to use for a time.

So if I don’t own anything, who does own it?  The person or being that created it.  For me that person and being is God.  He owns it all.

What a relief it was to finally understand that.  It’s not mine, so I am just taking care of it for someone else.

Suddenly, my eyes were opened, and I looked around “my” condo space and asked, “Who brought all this stuff in here?”

It was me.  My floor plan had evolved to provide a pathway from the entrance to the stairs to the loft, a diagonal line from one corner to its opposite.  The rest of the place is full of stuff.  Stuff I hardly ever use (read “never”).  Stuff I thought had some value until I tried to sell it, and then could not find anyone to take for free.

I’m still buried under piles of CDs and books and furniture and some items dating back to childhood.   My goal is to do some serious Winter/Spring cleaning, by either selling, donating or throwing away the things I don’t need, to free up space for me to simply live and breathe.

I might even blog more often.

What would you do with with the space created by getting rid of your “stuff?”

 

 

 

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The Fence and the Greener Grass

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The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  Or so the saying goes.
But what happens when we actually get to the other side?  Most of the time, we discover that the only thing that has changed is the view, but many times we also discover that the way of return is blocked.  And the grass sure looks greener on the other side (if you’re still with me, that’s now the side we just came from).
Those in relationships, whether married, cohabitating, or long time couples, may consider the single life “greener” from time to time.
One of the ways being single seems greener is:
Not having to answer to someone when I come home every night.
But consider the view from the other side of the fence, the view of the single person:
I have no one to answer to when I come home every night.
Not looking so green now, is it?
The point is, before you actually jump the fence, try to imagine how the other side views your grass, and just maybe your grass will look a little greener.
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Letting Go: Work and Parkinson’s Law

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lettingGo_WORK Letting go of work?!  Where do I sign up?

Before you get too excited, I am not suggesting you give up working or that work is bad.

I am suggesting that we tend to let work take over our lives in unhealthy and unproductive ways.

 

Let me start with Parkinson’s Law (click here for a helpful article).

Parkinson’s Law – Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

 

Did you catch that? It’s our fault that we work too much. We assign more time for tasks than is necessary to accomplish them, and often create more stress and worry by allowing ourselves more time to think about something we should have already been able to complete.

 Imagine you are at work, and the boss gives you an assignment Tuesday morning with a due date of Friday morning:

Your brain subconsciously does the math (T-W-T-F = 4 days), counting Friday as a whole day even though the assignment is due that morning, and you automatically assign the project a 4-day time value for completion.

Only, the assignment could probably be completed in the next hour before you go to lunch.

For the next 2 1/2 days you use this looming assignment deadline as an excuse to miss meetings, stay late at the office, and generally give the appearance of being exceedingly busy on a BIG assignment.

Truth is, Thursday 4pm rolls around and you haven’t even started the project yet, and now you reallize that you don’t have a fourth day to complete it, and you have to get it done tonight!

You panic a bit, go for a coffee, and proceed to make the assignment as big as you indicated to everyone all week long, staying until 9pm to get it done.

The fact that most of us work in an environment that expects us to show up by 9am for 8 or 9 hours, 5 or 6 days a week, leaves us with the unpleasant task of figuring out how to fill the time so that we appear to be busy.

For this reason I suggest that the proverbial 40-hour workweek (for many it is more like 50-60 or higher) is doing many of us, and our employers, a great disservice by wasting valuable time and resources. The following practices might increase overall productivity as well as improve work/life balance:

Employees

  • Challenge yourself with shorter deadlines for each new task
  • Reward yourself by using some of the time saved to work on some of your own initiatives (which could lead to promotion, etc.)
  • Set a goal to leave the office by __pm everyday, communicate this with your boss, then show them how much more productive you are

Employers

  • Establish clear rewards for completing assignments early, like leaving an hour early, or inclusion on a cool new project team
  • Give deadlines for assignments that clearly indicate the time it should take to complete
  • Help your employees by prioritizing assignments when multiple assignments overlap

 

Referenced Link:  How to use Parkinson’s Law to Your Advantage, www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/how-to-use-parkinsons-law-to-your-advantage.html

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Letting Go: The Need for Control

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lettingGo_Control

Control

Sometimes I feel like I am in control and other times not so much.

The times I feel out of control are often the times I feel the need to control things the most.

Conversely, the times I feel most in control are often the times I am most free from a need to control anything.

Thus, if you try letting go of the need for control, you may find yourself more free of control (whether it is the need to control something or something that is controlling you).

Giving up Control

The best decision I ever made was to give up control over my life to God, but like Jacob, I am constantly trying to wrestle it back. The wonderful thing is that God gives me grace to wrestle with this issue of control, and little by little by little I begin to grasp what he meant when he said:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

I don’t think Christ was talking about physical labor or work, but rather the labor of our spirit’s attempt to be in control of our lives apart from God.

Letting Go of Control is not Abandoning all Control

Of course I am not saying to abandon all control and thus remain children, “tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes,” but rather let go of our need to control our lives and “speaking the truth in love…grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

We can only do this if we learn to let go. And it’s okay to wrestle a bit, just keep in mind with whom you are wrestling.

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Letting Go: My year of Simplicity (so far)

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lettingGo_logo-02Last year I read a little book titled One Word That Will Change Your Life, by Dan Britton, Jimmy Page, and Jon Gordon, which outlined the advantages of choosing just one simple word that would shape your life for a particular year.

No big new year’s resolutions, no audacious long-winded goals, just one word.

Last year my word was “focus.”  I aimed for it, but not sure I fully achieved it.

This year my word is “simplicity.”  I am learning that the idea is to use this word as a kind of laser guidance system for my choices and actions for the year, and the journey is more important than any particular destination.

So far this is what my year of simplicity has looked like:

  • I “pruned” my closet and dresser of clothes I no longer wear
  • I organized my paper files and shredded or threw out years of bills and financial records that should have been discarded years ago
  • I went through my bookshelves and weeded out the books that “served their purpose” and could be either sold or donated
  • I simplified my grocery shopping to rice, pasta, black beans, eggs, tuna and vegetables
  • I started listing furniture or gadgets on Craigslist that I don’t really need or wouldn’t want to move
  • I began packing up my CD collection for storage until I can plan a yard sale
  • I contacted a real estate agent to discuss the possibility of selling my condo
  • I started reading books on or related to simplicity, including the following
    • Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go, by Richard Rohr
    • Freedom of Simplicity, by Richard Foster
    • The Power of Now, by Ekhart Tolle
    • If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of  the Boat, by John Ortberg
  • I started sharing what I have learned through a series of Letting Go posts (a full list of past posts is at the bottom of this post).
  • I began thinking about Letting Go as a practical concept that can be taught and practiced by others (more on this to come later)

I am probably forgetting a few things, but you get the idea.  Or, more likely, you might be asking, “So what?”

Well, at the start this was tough.  I discovered I didn’t want to just “let go” of my stuff.  So I had to exert some discipline and start small.

What I ended up realizing once I got going, was that as it became easier for me to let go, I encountered a different problem:  few people wanted to buy my stuff, and even giving it away was more difficult than I had imagined.  This inspired a new thought:

If no one else wanted my stuff, then why did I want it?

This is where I am in my year of simplicity, realizing I am surrounded by stuff that I no longer want, and that very few others might want, and its continued presence in my life is a reminder of just how complicated we make our lives by consuming so much.

To be continued….

Previous posts in the Letting Go series:

Letting Go: 2 Quick Thoughts to Help Let Go

Letting Go: Plans

Letting Go: Why it’s Hard To Let Go of Clutter

Letting Go: Negative Thinking

Letting Go: Judging People

Letting Go: Fear

Letting Go: Other People’s Problems

 

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Letting Go: Other People’s Problems

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Observations of a Pattern

Over the years, talking with people about their lives and where they are versus where they thought they should be or would like to be, I’ve observed a particular pattern emerge. This pattern is not necessarily true for all instances, but was certainly significant enough to warrant some deeper reflection.

I concluded that many people are unable to reach their goals and dreams because they are too focused on fixing or dealing with the problems of other people in their lives.

For example:

  • Financially – A family member is struggling to make ends meet and get out of debt, but cannot say no to her family whenever they ask for financial help.
  • Emotionally – A friend who is having a great day, gets a call from that one friend who always seems to be going through some emotional crisis, and is unable to say no, eventually turning a great day into one of emotional stress.

This is not to say that we should not help others, we should, but within healthy boundaries, making a clear distinction between what is their problem and what is ours.

Boundaries define what is me and what is not me…we are not responsible for other people…[but] we are responsible to others and for ourselves. (Townsend, Cloud. Boundaries)

Burdens and Loads

Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend make a distinction between burdens and loads in their excellent book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.  This terminology is taken from the following biblical passage in the book of Galatians:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.  For each will have to bear his own load.  (Galations 6:1-5, ESV)

This passage speaks of burdens as something to be shared, while loads are our own to carry.   Townsend and Cloud explore the original Greek words, defining burden as excess burdens – those so heavy they weigh us down, and load as cargo – the burden of daily toil.  To clarify this distinction in modern terms, the authors liken burdens to boulders, which require help to carry, and loads to knapsacks, things we are expected to carry ourselves.

The problems arise when we treat boulders as daily loads and refuse help, or we treat daily loads as boulders that we shouldn’t have to carry ourselves.

How do I know if I have a Boundary Problem?

For starters, we all have need of healthy boundaries, and we all likely have areas where these boundaries need work.  However, for purposes of our discussion here, Townsend and Cloud offer these three statements as a kind of litmus test for whether we are dealing with a boundary problem:

  1. Trying harder isn’t working
  2. Being nice out of fear isn’t working
  3. Taking responsibility for others isn’t working

Final Thoughts

  • If you are taking on someone else’s burdens or loads as your own, thinking that you can fix them, stop for a moment and let the following statement sink in:  You can’t fix them.
  • Now, answer this question:  Can I fix them?  (Hint:  The answer begins with “n” and ends with “o”).
  • Just like when you are on an airplane, when you are instructed in an emergency to put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else, you need to know your own boundaries and have them firmly established in order to most effectively help others with theirs.
  • Ask yourself, “Is this my problem, or someone else’s?” If it is yours, then get to work on it and seek some help if necessary, but if it is someone else’s problem, let it go.
  • Saying “No” to someone just might be the best way to help them

 

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
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Letting Go: Fear

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Fear.  It can stop us in our tracks, it can send us into hiding, or it can present an opportunity to achieve the impossible.

Take ancient Israel for example, the Israel that Moses led out of Egypt to the edge of the Red Sea.  This nation of newly freed, former slaves of Egypt, were faced with a dilemma:  the Red Sea ahead, and Pharaoh and the Egyptian army closing in behind (you know, a rock and an hard place).  Exodus 14 tells us they were terrified and cried out to the Lord.  Listen to what they said:

They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”

I thought of this the other day when contemplating my current job search.  “Why did I ever leave my old job?  I would have been better off staying there than leaving and now facing a difficult job search.”  Maybe you’re facing a similar situation, whether it be related to career, relationships, health or something else.

Guess what happens next?  After promising deliverance, God basically tells the Israelites to quit crying to Him about it and get a move on!  It’s kind of like the swift-kick-in-the-rear my mom used to give me when I was being particularly ornery or stubborn.  God calls the Israelites “stiff-necked.”  Pretty much the same thing.

Don’t just stand there, do something!

So, when I caught myself thinking how good I had it back then, I recalled to mind why I left, and looked to the steps I needed to take forward, confident that the Lord will provide.

Contrast the Israelites with another famous Biblical character, David.  This youngest of 7 brothers and a shepherd (who is selected by the Lord to be king, but is all but forgotten or overlooked by his father when the prophet Samuel is sent to find him), is sent by his father to visit his brothers with provisions where they are encamped for battle against Goliath and the Philistines (1 Samuel 17).

David hears Goliath taunting the Israelites and the Lord, and is shocked that no one will go and fight him.  So he offers to do it himself!  Wasn’t he afraid?  Of course he likely experienced fear, but his confidence came from a past record of facing and overcoming fear, having killed lions and bears with his bare hands and his sling while protecting his herds.  Of course, David’s faith in the Lord was a factor as well, as he saw his past victories as not being his, but of the Lord.

So remember, you have faced fear before, and you will face it again.  Whether it is the same old fear (that you are holding on to) or a new fear (that will inevitably come) depends largely on whether you let it stop you in your tracks, or you let it go and tackle it head on, moving forward.

Finally, when you have faced a fear and moved forward, take a moment to register in your mind what just happened and how you feel on the other side of fear.  Recall this moment the next time you face fear, and it might just provide you the swift kick you need to get moving and let it go.

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Letting Go: Negative Thinking

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Rest assured, I am not a “positivity freak,” or even one that fully buys into the power of positive thinking on its own merit.  But I do believe the following proverb is true:

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”
Proverbs 23:7

 

Thus, if you think negative thoughts, you will be a negative person, and if you think positive thoughts you will be a positive person.  Sort of.  Just thinking something doesn’t make it so.  You have to believe it to feel it.  Of course believing something doesn’t necessarily make it true either.

That’s where faith comes in to play.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1

 

We can think positive thoughts, and we can believe or hope positive things will happen, but there is no substance to our attempts absent faith.  Faith is what happens when all hope seems in vain, yet we hold fast, though what we hope for remains out of sight.

So how do we accomplish this?  For starters, just let go.  Let go of the negative thoughts – picture them as a lead weights in a backpack that you are just going to drop on the ground and leave.  Then focus on Jesus and keep your focus on Him.  The author of Hebrews puts it this way:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

 

The good news?  Jesus both starts and finishes our faith!  All we need to do is let go and run to him.